Final Note

Sometimes I feel myself falling deeper and deeper into a hole that is getting darker and darker. I pray for joy, but sadness is all I get. I long to be sad, but the “happy” moments just won’t leave. I attain my joy, but it is too short lived; it ended a long time before it even started. I reach my place of sadness, but the days when I am to pretend to be the happy lark are here again. The plastered smile, the rehearsed laugh, the phony display of affection, the bogus talks of happiness, fulfillment and satisfaction. I am lost in a counterfeit world where living is based on ideals and expectations of those who keep watch. I ought to be happy, I ought to be sad, I ought to weep, I ought to have hope, I choose to fade into the darkness. I used to say my heart is the source of all I do, all I write and all I speak. But now that I have lost use of my it, tell me, where do I start from? I simply want to be left alone, to be away from all that is me.
You look at me and wonder if I’m fine. You ask yourselves if I’m normal. Why so surprised? It’s not like you didn’t see it coming. Well maybe you didn’t, maybe no one did, but it has happened. So now, I ask that you just leave the way you came for what used to house you has been turned into a pile of ashes. So now I drop my pen and maybe someday when I learn the use of my heart again, I will tell the story of how we once were or at least how it was in my head…goodbye.

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